The Happy List

Okay, first the update portion of our program. Some of you know that I've struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life. I've had it under fairly good control the last few years, but there have been times in my past where it became a hugely disruptive force. Recently I hit another one of those patches-the moment that clued me in was having a complete breakdown at work. I'm talking hysterical sobbing, shaking, inability to physically function...not a pretty picture. So I finally caved into my doctor's recurrent suggestions that maybe a bit of chemical help wouldn't be the worst thing for me. I fought that idea for a long time-I felt that if I needed medication to be functional it meant that I had failed as a person somehow, that I wasn't strong enough to handle my problems. But I finally decided that was bullshit. I've "handled" enough. I've been an unshakable island through shit that would destroy most people. I'm allowed a bit of "weakness." So, I'm on meds now. I thought about keeping it a big secret, but decided that anyone who is going to think less of me because of this issue is pretty much a piece of shit and not worth my time. It's amazing what a difference this has made for me. It's been a few weeks now, and at the risk of sounding horribly cliched, it's like a fog has been lifted. The clarity and control that has been restored to my life is something I'm thankful for every day.

On a somewhat related note, I'm trying to be more positive. Not that I'm a huge proponent of the attitude that you should be happy all the time-that actually really pisses me off. If you're not happy, you're not happy. That's okay. But I also didn't enjoy the constant state of misery I was in for the last little while, so now that I'm over it I'm reveling in joy. Yay, joy. So I'm going to periodically post a list of what's making me smile that day, or of things I particularly love. And for November 18, 2007, the list is:

• Warm socks out of the dryer
• Kisses
• The Riders kicking some BC ass
• Egg nog
• Making plans that I honestly believe I'll keep
• Chris' T-shirts
• Long naps
• Snow
• Smelling pretty
• Feeling secure
• Nearly 24 hours without a crazy outburst (don't laugh, it's progress)

Yep, all in all I'm loving the happy. It's fantastic to actually feel like a person again. There's nothing worse than feeling completely powerless over the bad stuff in your life and your own reactions to it. For the longest time I felt like I was watching myself through a big sheet of plexiglass or something. I could see the shit unfolding, I knew I was handling it really badly, but there was nothing I could actually do to change it. I suddenly feel in control again (at least most of the time) and I love it.

I'd love to set a new goal for myself now that I'm starting to feel like real people, but I know it's too soon. I can't overwhelm myself while I'm still adjusting. So I'm going to see how I handle the holidays. Hopefully in January I'll be ready to start on something bigger. Right now just getting everything under control has been fanfuckingtastic.