Thursday, November 27, 2008

Have you seen me?

I've been kind of nostalgic for "the old me" lately. Not for the eating disordered, drug-addled, promiscuous old me, but for the super confident, fun-loving, passionate me. Of course, they were the same person-being thin made me "confident," pot made me fun, and I was passionate about sex. But I've been wishing I could have the good parts without the bad. That's a hard thing to do. Stability and good health have made me feel kind of settled and boring.

I'm sure I could have all the good parts back if I tried. It's just that I've associated so many of my old personality traits and behaviors-even harmless ones-with all the bad stuff for so long that I've forgotten the healthy ways to express them. Besides that, I'm still getting used to actually having a good life. Most of my life was crap for a long time, exciting as it may have been. Sure, there were good times mixed in there. But overall I was really living in hell. So "exciting and fun" in my mind is pretty thoroughly entangled with "scary and dramatic." I'm still trying to figure out how to do "exciting and fun" in a safe and positive way.

I hate being so scared of new things. I used to be so fearless and adventurous because I really didn't have much to lose. It was easy to take risks because there wasn't too much that could go more wrong than it already was. Now that I'm in a better place personally, I don't want to take any major leaps because I know where the bottom is, I spent a lot of time there, and if I take a wrong step I could fall right back there. It's terrifying.

What's brought all this to the surface is that I've been talking lately with a few old friends who were part of the GOOD stuff in my life during the darkest days. I've missed them terribly. They stayed with me during most of my ups and downs- they dragged me out of the scariest holes I found, and they kept me tethered when I was about to fly right out of my mind for one reason or another. They knew how to make me smile. Granted, a couple of them in particular also knew how to make me cry, but at the time I was so much more appreciative of negative feelings. That's another thing I miss-the knowledge that if I was crying, at least it meant I was alive. Now crying scares the shit out of me, because it might mean that I'm "slipping."

These friends are in my soul. Certain sounds, smells and sights immediately bring them to mind. I was honestly scared that they may not like this new, somewhat more sane me, but it seems that they do. The problem is that I don't. I mean, I love not wanting to kill myself half the time. I love feeling safe in my home-hell, HAVING a home. I love feeling in control of my own decisions. But I don't love this feeling that if I put one toe outside the lines of the box I've put myself in, I'll collapse into the same hell that I ripped all my fingernails off trying to crawl out of. I don't love feeling so sterile and dry that I can barely remember what it felt like to just DANCE, inside and out.

I don't know what to do or how to fix this. I need to find a happy medium-I need to come back to myself without losing my sanity. I always swore that I'd never be afraid to live, and in the last few weeks I've realized that I am. It's a shitty feeling, and I'm kind of angry at myself now.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So many things to say...

I honestly have so much sitting in my head lately. All the noise in there is making it hard to sleep again. :(

One sort of weird thing is this feeling I have that I'm on the verge of something. I get like this once in a while...I just start to feel kind of spiritually/emotionally pregnant. Depending on what time of year it is, I usually brush it off as cabin/spring fever. Of course, ignoring that internal command to do something usually results in me becoming horrendously dissatisfied with the state of my life and making huge and impulsive decisions. I felt like this before I moved back to Saskatoon, before I went back to school, before I got you can see, the decisions based on this itch are sometimes good, sometimes spectacularly bad. So I'm trying to figure out what it is I should be doing to fix this. Or if maybe this time just sitting back and letting something gestate would be the best choice. After all, I do seem to finally have a stable life and be in a better position to actually chill out and let nature take its course with whatever is poking me in the back of the brain. It's just so damn frustrating sometimes.

I can't even think straight for long enough to put anything else down coherently, so I'm just going to go drink some tea and try to sleep. Hugs and kisses, internet people.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Bad Mom Day

Hey, moms...ever have those days when you just feel like you're not doing enough for your kids? I've felt like that for the last week or so. I couldn't tell you exactly what I could be doing better, or why I feel like I'm walking around with a big FAIL stamp on my forehead, but I just feel like I'm being a crappy mom.

Maybe some of it comes from the fact that the Boy is having all kinds of trouble at school, and has been put in both a special "social development" program (meetings a couple of times a week with other students and some staff to talk about behavioral stuff) and counseling sessions. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but if my kid is a "problem child" to that extent, there must be something. Have I not spent enough quality time with him? Have I somehow inadvertently taught him terrible behavior? Have I fed him the wrong stuff, or not enough, or too much, or something? I can't even begin to describe the terrible feeling that happened when I got a letter from his teacher last week telling me that I need to "make sure he has enough food in the future" because he was apparently "still hungry after lunch." I had sent him a sandwich, some carrot sticks, an apple, some yogurt, a cheesestring, a couple of cookies and a juice box-I thought that was a big enough lunch. But the school says it's not. You want to talk about "triggering?" Hoo, boy. I've been a wreck since then.

I know that no parent is perfect, and in some ways I've probably screwed up more than most. Of course, in some ways I've also done better than most, so I was kind of hoping it would balance out. But now I'm dealing with all this shit hitting the fan, and being told by the nice people at the school that since he's out of his "formative years," the problems he's having are serious and not just developmentally normal childhood brattiness.

Oh, good. Whatever is wrong with him, it's something I caused in his "formative years" which is now going to take years of therapy to fix, if it even can be fixed at all. Having gotten to the point where I've finally realized how messed up my mom was and how messed up I am because of what she did, I'm more terrified than ever of the same thing happening with my son. I mean, I had finally pretty much forgiven myself for not being perfect for the first six or so years-I was doing the best I could with what I had, and doing a hell of a lot better than most women in the same situation would have. I figured that even if our lives were a little wacky and unstable at times, he knew that I loved him, he was always fed and clothed, and I did my damndest to shelter him from the shit that was constantly going on in my life. All the rest can be dealt with, right? Well, maybe not. According to the form his teacher filled out, even the fact that his dad and I aren't together is a "family problem" that needs to be addressed by the counselor. His dad and I broke up when he was an infant. He has never lived with the two of us together-this is normal for him. If that's a "problem," what would they say if they found out that we've been homeless? That I'm so heavily medicated? What's going to happen when he gets older and remembers that my ex beat the crap out of me and I was too scared to leave for months? How much is he going to hate me? How much have I damaged him?

I just don't know how to fix this.