Thursday, December 20, 2007

Why does it still hurt so much?

I recently dealt with a situation where someone about whom I care a great deal caused me a great deal of pain. It's supposed to be all better now, and for the most part it is. But every now and then I still get this twinge inside, like someone's twisting my guts into a knot. Don't get me wrong, I've completely forgiven the person in question. I'm not even a little angry anymore. I'm just...sad. Very, very sad. And I wish I could just turn that off.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Just fer shits and giggles.

Yoinked this from a friend's facebook. I love silly surveys so much.

57 Girl Confessions

1. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
Depends on the time and context. Sometimes it's cute, sometimes it's condescending and makes me want to punt them through a wall.

2. A big poofy dress or a short party dress?
Poofy. If I'm going to wear a dress, I'd usually rather go all out.

3. What would you do if you received a long love letter?
First I'd probably get all sappy and cry like a twerp. Then I'd wonder what he did wrong that he was trying to cover up with the love letter.

4. Group dates or single dates?
Single dates. I do like doing couple-y things in groups, but don't really think of that as a "date" per se.

5. Do you hate it when guys act different around their friends?
Depends on how different.

6. Are diamonds a girl’s best friend?
Not this girl.

7. Is your hair up or down today?
Under a hat.

8. Do you straighten your hair?
No. When I had long hair I did once in a while, but mostly I'm lazy.

9. Favorite mascara?
Whatever's cheapest?

10. Do you get your nails done?
For now.

11. Small or large purses?

12. In your purse, what are your must haves?
Wallet, keys, cell phone, glucometer and insulin. Plus whatever scraps of paper and assorted things belonging to my kid happen to be in there that day.

13. Jeans or sweats?
Jeans. They are fabulous.

14. Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that’s uncomfortable?
I try to avoid it. Once in a while I make a bad footwear decision...usually while trying to find work shoes. Otherwise I'd rather feel good than look good.

15. Do you text message a lot?
Sometimes it's my sole method of communication for weeks at a time.

16. What would you do if you got pregnant?
Oh Em Gee, like, my life would be, like, over and stuff.

17. What’s your favorite color?
Currently it's green.

18. Heels or flats?

19. Did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
Yeah. I'm a pussy.

20. Would you ever leave the house without make-up on?
Almost every day. If I ever get to the point where I answer no to this question, I want someone to promise they'll put me out of my misery.

21. Walmart or Target?
Somebody dun bin to the Walmart.

22. Do you wear collared shirts?

23. Do you like preppy boys?
They can be cute, I suppose.

24. Do you think lip gloss is the best!?
OHMYGAWD, it's like you're reading my mind! You're like, telespastic or something!

25. Do you own any big sunglasses?
I could answer this question, but then I'd have to kill you.

26. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Including food? Hm. Two hours? Hour and a half to lay in bed and complain that I don't want to get up, five minutes to shower, twenty five to run a comb through my hair while I cram cereal down my throat and panic that I'm going to be late.

27. Do you like to wear band-aids?
Only the cool Ninja Turtles ones.

28. Do you like skater boys?
I did when I was younger. Road rash is teh sexx0rz.

29. Do you often wish there was something you could change?
Um, have you actually read the rest of this blog?

30. Gold or silver?
Usually silver/white gold. But gold is pretty too. I'm really not picky.

31. Do you like to receive flowers?
I love flowers. And I guess it's nice to get them from someone. But I also, you know, buy them myself. Flowers is purty.

32. Do you like surfer boys?
They entertain me. But IRL, not so much. There was an incident.

33. Do you dress up for the holidays?
Totally. Reindeer antlers and all.

34. Do you like to wear dresses?
Sometimes. But I tend to forget I'm wearing them and act all unladylike.

35. On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you?
Um, probably about a 2? Women are way more confusing.

36. In the last 48 hours have you hung out with a guy?

37. Would you date a guy shorter than you?
I have.

38. Do you like to hold hands?

39. What is the youngest you would date?
*does math*
I'll go with 24.

40. What is the oldest you would date?
39. Just cause I'd feel weird saying 40. But an ex of mine actually turned 39 this year, so it seems like an okay age difference.

41. What do you notice when you first meet a guy?
Whether or not I have an immediate urge to stab them in the throat. Then their eyes, lips and shoulders in no particular order.

42. Is it hott when guys sweat?
Yes. As long as they clean themselves shortly after. A man doing something physical and sweating is sexy. Stale sweat makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

43. What is the best feature in a guy?
Physical feature? Um, lips, eyes and arms.

44. Do you like making eye contact?

46. Would you kill for chocolate?
Only to defend myself against a man armed with a skor bar. First you force him to drop the skor bar. Then you eat the skor bar, thus disarming him.

47. Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy?
No. That's silly.

48. On a scale from 1-10 how fun is shopping?
I'm going to go with -87.

49. Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show?

50. Do you yell a lot?
More than is probably healthy.

51. Do you wear sweatpants/pajamas to school/work?
I totally would if I could get away with it. I have at school/other jobs.

52. Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy?
Once. STUPID idea.

53. Do you write a lot of mushy love poems?
No, just a lot of hateful poems.

54. What makeup could you not live w/ out?
If I couldn't live without makeup, I don't think I'd really want to go on anyway. Seriously, what the shit is this?

55. Do you fall in love easily?

56. Do you have cramps?
Not currently. I get wicked period cramps though.

57. Do you think you have the bestest friend ever?

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

My superego can lick my sweaty nutsack.

That's right, I went there.

I recently said to someone that my life would be easier if I had multiple personalities. That way someone else could handle all the badness, and I wouldn't have to deal with the painful memories and such. When shit started hitting the fan, the tough one could come out and deal with it. It sounds terrible, I know, but I sometimes think that would honestly be easier. But after giving that some serious thought, it's occurred to me that in a way I almost do have that. The difference is that I remember and control every personality. Before you all write me off as even crazier than you thought, hear me out.

See, there's the me that I really like. She's smart, creative, sexy, cool under pressure, doesn't really care too much what people think of her, and has turned all our painful memories into fuel-she's righteously angry, and that anger is the spark for her internal pain combustion engine. Problem is, that me doesn't have too much concern for social niceties and is likely to get in a whole lot of trouble if left to her own devices. It's id dragging ego along for a scary ride.

Then there's this me. Fuck, I hate this me. She's whiny, terrified of her own shadow, insecure and easily flustered. Why? Because she's the product of the goddamn superego. She's bent on doing things the "right" way-suffering through all manner of hurt and indignity in order to reach the most socially and politically correct conclusion. She sure as hell remembers all the bad stuff, but she's internalized it in a scary way. Part of her still believes that if she'd done something differently, things like that wouldn't have happened. Not that she really thinks it's her fault, just that maybe she didn't try hard enough to stop or change it. This me wants to forgive everyone who's hurt us, to understand why they did it and let go. She's a fucking hippie freak. She's a people pleaser, she needs approval, and she feels like a failure as a human being if she "lets someone down" or does anything less than perfectly. This is the heavily medicated me.

I suppose someday I should try to integrate these two. And writing all this stuff down probably makes me sound completely batshit bonkers. But I'm starting to think it makes sense. I don't really know where I'm going with this-I just had to get it out.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I'm too lazy to pick a title.

Random out-of-context quote of the day: "I make a point of trying not to give oral sex to annoying people."

I've been crazier than usual lately, and I don't know why. I really felt like I was getting on an even keel, but the last week or so I've been floundering in a sea of psycho.

All I've been able to think about all day is food.

Nothing else to report, really. Just feeling crazy and hungry, and wishing I knew what's gone wrong.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Something about this time of year...

I have no idea why, but the period between the beginning of September and the end of December always feels so hopeful to me. I think to some degree I secretly have a lot of the same beliefs and feelings I did as a little girl. This time of year I always feel like something spectacular will happen to make me feel like less of a hopeless dork. Because really, deep down I am still the sad little nerd I was in high school, pretending to be more confident than I really feel. Okay, so the nerd isn't buried that deep...

Let's run down how these few months offer so many opportunities to nerdy twerps like myself. The new school year still seems like a fresh start-maybe no one will remember that time last year that your pants fell down in the middle of the cafeteria and you had somehow forgotten to wear underwear that day. And because no one remembers that, maybe this year you'll be the coolest kid in school. Except they will remember, and you won't be any cooler. Damn it. Okay, try again with October. Halloween is fun. It's a chance to showcase your awesome creativity and ingenuity with your super sweet costume idea. Except once again, you leave it to the last minute and end up drunk, wearing a spray painted cardboard box. Crap. November doesn't really have that much to offer pathetic kids, but for me it's a month associated with some pretty good memories. So I typically spend the entire 30 days in a vain effort to recreate those feelings. But by the end of the month, I'm just burned out from nostalgia and not really feeling any better about myself or my life. Shit.

And on we go to December, the biggest disappointment of all. I think I'm still waiting for a Christmas miracle. I refuse to relinquish my silly hope that somehow everyone gets one at some point in their lives. Don't get me wrong, I love the holiday season on its own merit, and the joy I derive from it is not lessened any by not having a lightning strike moment. I love the decorations, the food, the annoying music...all of it. But some part of me always hopes that I'll wake up on Christmas morning suddenly impervious to the problems in my past and my present, with a joyful family, a self cleaning house and a magical bank account that always has a positive balance. And of course, it hasn't happened yet. So I make New Year's resolutions, hoping that somehow the magic of the Gregorian calendar will give me the strength of character and unending resources necessary to actually keep them. Surprise, surprise-I resolved to get my finances in order the last four years running, and I still throw my bank statements in a drawer without opening them because they make me so damn sad. So that brings us to the end of my holiday season-crushing disillusionment and a growing hatred of both Santa and God, because once again neither of those white-bearded bastards came through for me.

I realize that all of this makes me sound like some weak willed, simpering moron with no self-esteem or real drive to take care of herself. And in some ways maybe I am. But when I really look hard at myself I know that I'm not. I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I look, and most of the time I know I'm capable of being one of those vibrant, effortlessly confident women who always seem to have it all together. I can take care of myself, and I have for the better part of nine years now. Not only that, I'm a SUPAMOM and I have, like, an automatic +6 to all my charisma rolls. BOO-YAH. But most of the time I really still feel like the awkward kid I always was, getting kicked around by the whole world and not knowing how to fix it. There's always that little voice in my head telling me that I'm socially inept and that my looks are mediocre at best. The only thing I have going for me, says Mean Inside Voice, is my brain, and I'm even wasting that. Really, the nasty bitch in my head chastises me, what have I done with that storehouse of genius I could have had? I'm 23 years old and still Planning to Maybe Someday Go to University, maybe even Considering Making Something of Myself. But a fat lot of good that does anyone now, right?

I don't know, maybe I'm just tired of it being so fucking hard all the time. I hate constantly feeling like I'm on a treadmill, and I hate doing it alone. I know I'll get past this feeling-I always do. And I know I'll somehow make my life work. But that somehow doesn't make me feel any better right now. So if anyone talks to Santa or God this year, could you ask them to throw me a fucking bone?

Sunday, November 18, 2007

The Happy List

Okay, first the update portion of our program. Some of you know that I've struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life. I've had it under fairly good control the last few years, but there have been times in my past where it became a hugely disruptive force. Recently I hit another one of those patches-the moment that clued me in was having a complete breakdown at work. I'm talking hysterical sobbing, shaking, inability to physically function...not a pretty picture. So I finally caved into my doctor's recurrent suggestions that maybe a bit of chemical help wouldn't be the worst thing for me. I fought that idea for a long time-I felt that if I needed medication to be functional it meant that I had failed as a person somehow, that I wasn't strong enough to handle my problems. But I finally decided that was bullshit. I've "handled" enough. I've been an unshakable island through shit that would destroy most people. I'm allowed a bit of "weakness." So, I'm on meds now. I thought about keeping it a big secret, but decided that anyone who is going to think less of me because of this issue is pretty much a piece of shit and not worth my time. It's amazing what a difference this has made for me. It's been a few weeks now, and at the risk of sounding horribly cliched, it's like a fog has been lifted. The clarity and control that has been restored to my life is something I'm thankful for every day.

On a somewhat related note, I'm trying to be more positive. Not that I'm a huge proponent of the attitude that you should be happy all the time-that actually really pisses me off. If you're not happy, you're not happy. That's okay. But I also didn't enjoy the constant state of misery I was in for the last little while, so now that I'm over it I'm reveling in joy. Yay, joy. So I'm going to periodically post a list of what's making me smile that day, or of things I particularly love. And for November 18, 2007, the list is:

  • Warm socks out of the dryer
  • Kisses
  • The Riders kicking some BC ass
  • Egg nog
  • Making plans that I honestly believe I'll keep
  • Chris' T-shirts
  • Long naps
  • Snow
  • Smelling pretty
  • Feeling secure
  • Nearly 24 hours without a crazy outburst (don't laugh, it's progress)

Yep, all in all I'm loving the happy. It's fantastic to actually feel like a person again. There's nothing worse than feeling completely powerless over the bad stuff in your life and your own reactions to it. For the longest time I felt like I was watching myself through a big sheet of plexiglass or something. I could see the shit unfolding, I knew I was handling it really badly, but there was nothing I could actually do to change it. I suddenly feel in control again (at least most of the time) and I love it.

I'd love to set a new goal for myself now that I'm starting to feel like real people, but I know it's too soon. I can't overwhelm myself while I'm still adjusting. So I'm going to see how I handle the holidays. Hopefully in January I'll be ready to start on something bigger. Right now just getting everything under control has been fanfuckingtastic.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Oh, but something slightly more cheerful...

...I make the awesomest chocolate mousse EVAR. For realz, yo. Okay, so maybe it was slightly on the dense side. Which I guess defeats the purpose of making a

Anyway, melted chocolate mixed with other stuff in a bowl=better than sex. SRSLY.

I'm such a bad liar.

Okay, I know I promised to minimize the shit and bitching on here. But right now I think I'm justified. So, if you will, allow me a brief rant.

As many of you know, I recently ended my engagement and kicked him out of my house. It was a messy situation and I don't want to go into too much detail here, but I will say that it's been a massive source of stress lately. There's also been some ongoing fallout from that, and all in all it sucks.

Shitty situation number 2-a friend of mine from high school was killed this week. We had lost touch over time, hadn't talked much recently, and now she's gone. I won't even be able to go to the funeral because it's in Shellbrook and I can't get there this weekend. I'm going to pass along some communication in a more personal way as well, but if any of you folks reading this are going, pass on my condolences to Geanine's family. They'll all be in my prayers, as will the other two passengers. Robert, however...I can't bring myself to pray for him yet. Maybe eventually.

And because everything hasn't fallen apart quite enough, I'm running into all kinds of obstacles as far as school goes. Here's where I really start ranting, as opposed to quickly summing up what exactly went bad. For those of you who don't know yet, I have decided that I want to be a doctor. But to qualify for pre med, I have to pick up a couple of high school classes I didn't bother with the first time around. (I have my grade 12, but need some prerequisites for university.) I'm over 22, so I have to pay for high school classes. $300 a pop, and I need four of them. It's not going to be cheap. So, I plan to continue working while I'm in school and take night classes. Once I get to university, I'll have some student loans. Not that I need any more debt, but it's probably not an option to do otherwise at this point. I don't have parents to pay for everything, and I honestly can't make enough money to survive, support myself and my kid AND pay tuition for what...eight years? Seriously, not going to happen. But anyway, since you can't get loans for high school, I tried to find out if there are any options as far as some financial assistance, me being a working single mom and all. I was basically told to go fuck myself.

Well, not in so many words. See, if I want to quit my job and sit around on welfare, the government will be more than happy to pay for my high school classes. God knows they're paying for enough fucking useless single mothers in this province to lay around and not attend high school classes. Take the woman that birthed me, for example. She's been put through several different classes by the government. She could be making all kinds of cash as a gainfully employed member of society. Instead, she is still sitting on welfare. And I personally know at least four women who are currently being carried through life by the provincial government, enrolled in classes they don't attend and with no intention of actually working to support themselves or their broods at any point in the forseeable future. The government loves slutty useless bitches. Dropping hundreds of thousands of tax dollars to support those who refuse to support themselves is priority number fucking one. But a single mother who wants to work to support her own family, as well as attend school and maybe be part of the solution to this "massive physician shortage" everyone keeps talking about? A little bit of help to bridge the financial gap created by trying - completely on my own, no less - to better myself and my community? Can't have that. Look at that, I'm so angry I changed from third to first person in the middle of a fucking paragraph. Ugh.

Seriously, the whole pile of crap the government thinks is an effective assistance program to offer education options to low income families or single parents? Miserable failure. I say we need to start flat out refusing education assistance like that to people who aren't working at least part time while in school. And if you're willing to work enough to supply your own living costs, and the government wants to cut you a break on the cost of your classes so you can actually accomplish something with your life other than being a professional semen receptacle? That's fucking awesome. Love that idea. I'm not even mad that they won't pay for even part of my classes. I'm mad at the inequity. I'm mad that it's being made so difficult for me to become what I know I'm capable of becoming, and so easy for these trashbag whores to become...I don't even know what they're becoming. Bigger trashbag whores?

I'm just feeling unbelievably shitty. I need a hug.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

I'm loveable.

Really, that's about it. I'm loveable. So proud of me. XD

Sunday, September 16, 2007

So much for that "awesome content" thing...

This is the lamest blog evar. SRSLY. But, um, news...

Well, I'm all employed and shit. It's pretty awesome. Yay, money. Money allows me to purchase video games and alcomahol. You know, the essentials. On a related note, Guitar Hero is CRACK.

I chopped all my hair again. And dyed it black. Cuz I'm hot like that.

Chris asked me not to say this online, but I'm going to anyway. Because Goddammit, I wrote it, and it's TRUE. Chris is FUCKING AWESOME.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Now with 82% less crap!

It's a new blog! And this one won't suck, I promise. Okay, maybe it will suck. But I'll bitch less. At least, any bitching I do will be more fun to read. E-pinky swear.