On a somewhat related note, I'm trying to be more positive. Not that I'm a huge proponent of the attitude that you should be happy all the time-that actually really pisses me off. If you're not happy, you're not happy. That's okay. But I also didn't enjoy the constant state of misery I was in for the last little while, so now that I'm over it I'm reveling in joy. Yay, joy. So I'm going to periodically post a list of what's making me smile that day, or of things I particularly love. And for November 18, 2007, the list is:
- Warm socks out of the dryer
- The Riders kicking some BC ass
- Egg nog
- Making plans that I honestly believe I'll keep
- Chris' T-shirts
- Long naps
- Smelling pretty
- Feeling secure
- Nearly 24 hours without a crazy outburst (don't laugh, it's progress)
Yep, all in all I'm loving the happy. It's fantastic to actually feel like a person again. There's nothing worse than feeling completely powerless over the bad stuff in your life and your own reactions to it. For the longest time I felt like I was watching myself through a big sheet of plexiglass or something. I could see the shit unfolding, I knew I was handling it really badly, but there was nothing I could actually do to change it. I suddenly feel in control again (at least most of the time) and I love it.
I'd love to set a new goal for myself now that I'm starting to feel like real people, but I know it's too soon. I can't overwhelm myself while I'm still adjusting. So I'm going to see how I handle the holidays. Hopefully in January I'll be ready to start on something bigger. Right now just getting everything under control has been fanfuckingtastic.