Thursday, December 20, 2007

Why does it still hurt so much?

I recently dealt with a situation where someone about whom I care a great deal caused me a great deal of pain. It's supposed to be all better now, and for the most part it is. But every now and then I still get this twinge inside, like someone's twisting my guts into a knot. Don't get me wrong, I've completely forgiven the person in question. I'm not even a little angry anymore. I'm just...sad. Very, very sad. And I wish I could just turn that off.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Just fer shits and giggles.

Yoinked this from a friend's facebook. I love silly surveys so much.

57 Girl Confessions

1. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
Depends on the time and context. Sometimes it's cute, sometimes it's condescending and makes me want to punt them through a wall.

2. A big poofy dress or a short party dress?
Poofy. If I'm going to wear a dress, I'd usually rather go all out.

3. What would you do if you received a long love letter?
First I'd probably get all sappy and cry like a twerp. Then I'd wonder what he did wrong that he was trying to cover up with the love letter.

4. Group dates or single dates?
Single dates. I do like doing couple-y things in groups, but don't really think of that as a "date" per se.

5. Do you hate it when guys act different around their friends?
Depends on how different.

6. Are diamonds a girl’s best friend?
Not this girl.

7. Is your hair up or down today?
Under a hat.

8. Do you straighten your hair?
No. When I had long hair I did once in a while, but mostly I'm lazy.

9. Favorite mascara?
Whatever's cheapest?

10. Do you get your nails done?
For now.

11. Small or large purses?

12. In your purse, what are your must haves?
Wallet, keys, cell phone, glucometer and insulin. Plus whatever scraps of paper and assorted things belonging to my kid happen to be in there that day.

13. Jeans or sweats?
Jeans. They are fabulous.

14. Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that’s uncomfortable?
I try to avoid it. Once in a while I make a bad footwear decision...usually while trying to find work shoes. Otherwise I'd rather feel good than look good.

15. Do you text message a lot?
Sometimes it's my sole method of communication for weeks at a time.

16. What would you do if you got pregnant?
Oh Em Gee, like, my life would be, like, over and stuff.

17. What’s your favorite color?
Currently it's green.

18. Heels or flats?

19. Did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
Yeah. I'm a pussy.

20. Would you ever leave the house without make-up on?
Almost every day. If I ever get to the point where I answer no to this question, I want someone to promise they'll put me out of my misery.

21. Walmart or Target?
Somebody dun bin to the Walmart.

22. Do you wear collared shirts?

23. Do you like preppy boys?
They can be cute, I suppose.

24. Do you think lip gloss is the best!?
OHMYGAWD, it's like you're reading my mind! You're like, telespastic or something!

25. Do you own any big sunglasses?
I could answer this question, but then I'd have to kill you.

26. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Including food? Hm. Two hours? Hour and a half to lay in bed and complain that I don't want to get up, five minutes to shower, twenty five to run a comb through my hair while I cram cereal down my throat and panic that I'm going to be late.

27. Do you like to wear band-aids?
Only the cool Ninja Turtles ones.

28. Do you like skater boys?
I did when I was younger. Road rash is teh sexx0rz.

29. Do you often wish there was something you could change?
Um, have you actually read the rest of this blog?

30. Gold or silver?
Usually silver/white gold. But gold is pretty too. I'm really not picky.

31. Do you like to receive flowers?
I love flowers. And I guess it's nice to get them from someone. But I also, you know, buy them myself. Flowers is purty.

32. Do you like surfer boys?
They entertain me. But IRL, not so much. There was an incident.

33. Do you dress up for the holidays?
Totally. Reindeer antlers and all.

34. Do you like to wear dresses?
Sometimes. But I tend to forget I'm wearing them and act all unladylike.

35. On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you?
Um, probably about a 2? Women are way more confusing.

36. In the last 48 hours have you hung out with a guy?

37. Would you date a guy shorter than you?
I have.

38. Do you like to hold hands?

39. What is the youngest you would date?
*does math*
I'll go with 24.

40. What is the oldest you would date?
39. Just cause I'd feel weird saying 40. But an ex of mine actually turned 39 this year, so it seems like an okay age difference.

41. What do you notice when you first meet a guy?
Whether or not I have an immediate urge to stab them in the throat. Then their eyes, lips and shoulders in no particular order.

42. Is it hott when guys sweat?
Yes. As long as they clean themselves shortly after. A man doing something physical and sweating is sexy. Stale sweat makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

43. What is the best feature in a guy?
Physical feature? Um, lips, eyes and arms.

44. Do you like making eye contact?

46. Would you kill for chocolate?
Only to defend myself against a man armed with a skor bar. First you force him to drop the skor bar. Then you eat the skor bar, thus disarming him.

47. Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy?
No. That's silly.

48. On a scale from 1-10 how fun is shopping?
I'm going to go with -87.

49. Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show?

50. Do you yell a lot?
More than is probably healthy.

51. Do you wear sweatpants/pajamas to school/work?
I totally would if I could get away with it. I have at school/other jobs.

52. Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy?
Once. STUPID idea.

53. Do you write a lot of mushy love poems?
No, just a lot of hateful poems.

54. What makeup could you not live w/ out?
If I couldn't live without makeup, I don't think I'd really want to go on anyway. Seriously, what the shit is this?

55. Do you fall in love easily?

56. Do you have cramps?
Not currently. I get wicked period cramps though.

57. Do you think you have the bestest friend ever?

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

My superego can lick my sweaty nutsack.

That's right, I went there.

I recently said to someone that my life would be easier if I had multiple personalities. That way someone else could handle all the badness, and I wouldn't have to deal with the painful memories and such. When shit started hitting the fan, the tough one could come out and deal with it. It sounds terrible, I know, but I sometimes think that would honestly be easier. But after giving that some serious thought, it's occurred to me that in a way I almost do have that. The difference is that I remember and control every personality. Before you all write me off as even crazier than you thought, hear me out.

See, there's the me that I really like. She's smart, creative, sexy, cool under pressure, doesn't really care too much what people think of her, and has turned all our painful memories into fuel-she's righteously angry, and that anger is the spark for her internal pain combustion engine. Problem is, that me doesn't have too much concern for social niceties and is likely to get in a whole lot of trouble if left to her own devices. It's id dragging ego along for a scary ride.

Then there's this me. Fuck, I hate this me. She's whiny, terrified of her own shadow, insecure and easily flustered. Why? Because she's the product of the goddamn superego. She's bent on doing things the "right" way-suffering through all manner of hurt and indignity in order to reach the most socially and politically correct conclusion. She sure as hell remembers all the bad stuff, but she's internalized it in a scary way. Part of her still believes that if she'd done something differently, things like that wouldn't have happened. Not that she really thinks it's her fault, just that maybe she didn't try hard enough to stop or change it. This me wants to forgive everyone who's hurt us, to understand why they did it and let go. She's a fucking hippie freak. She's a people pleaser, she needs approval, and she feels like a failure as a human being if she "lets someone down" or does anything less than perfectly. This is the heavily medicated me.

I suppose someday I should try to integrate these two. And writing all this stuff down probably makes me sound completely batshit bonkers. But I'm starting to think it makes sense. I don't really know where I'm going with this-I just had to get it out.