Wednesday, December 12, 2007

My superego can lick my sweaty nutsack.

That's right, I went there.

I recently said to someone that my life would be easier if I had multiple personalities. That way someone else could handle all the badness, and I wouldn't have to deal with the painful memories and such. When shit started hitting the fan, the tough one could come out and deal with it. It sounds terrible, I know, but I sometimes think that would honestly be easier. But after giving that some serious thought, it's occurred to me that in a way I almost do have that. The difference is that I remember and control every personality. Before you all write me off as even crazier than you thought, hear me out.

See, there's the me that I really like. She's smart, creative, sexy, cool under pressure, doesn't really care too much what people think of her, and has turned all our painful memories into fuel-she's righteously angry, and that anger is the spark for her internal pain combustion engine. Problem is, that me doesn't have too much concern for social niceties and is likely to get in a whole lot of trouble if left to her own devices. It's id dragging ego along for a scary ride.

Then there's this me. Fuck, I hate this me. She's whiny, terrified of her own shadow, insecure and easily flustered. Why? Because she's the product of the goddamn superego. She's bent on doing things the "right" way-suffering through all manner of hurt and indignity in order to reach the most socially and politically correct conclusion. She sure as hell remembers all the bad stuff, but she's internalized it in a scary way. Part of her still believes that if she'd done something differently, things like that wouldn't have happened. Not that she really thinks it's her fault, just that maybe she didn't try hard enough to stop or change it. This me wants to forgive everyone who's hurt us, to understand why they did it and let go. She's a fucking hippie freak. She's a people pleaser, she needs approval, and she feels like a failure as a human being if she "lets someone down" or does anything less than perfectly. This is the heavily medicated me.

I suppose someday I should try to integrate these two. And writing all this stuff down probably makes me sound completely batshit bonkers. But I'm starting to think it makes sense. I don't really know where I'm going with this-I just had to get it out.

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