Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I'm too lazy to pick a title.

Random out-of-context quote of the day: "I make a point of trying not to give oral sex to annoying people."

I've been crazier than usual lately, and I don't know why. I really felt like I was getting on an even keel, but the last week or so I've been floundering in a sea of psycho.

All I've been able to think about all day is food.

Nothing else to report, really. Just feeling crazy and hungry, and wishing I knew what's gone wrong.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Something about this time of year...

I have no idea why, but the period between the beginning of September and the end of December always feels so hopeful to me. I think to some degree I secretly have a lot of the same beliefs and feelings I did as a little girl. This time of year I always feel like something spectacular will happen to make me feel like less of a hopeless dork. Because really, deep down I am still the sad little nerd I was in high school, pretending to be more confident than I really feel. Okay, so the nerd isn't buried that deep...

Let's run down how these few months offer so many opportunities to nerdy twerps like myself. The new school year still seems like a fresh start-maybe no one will remember that time last year that your pants fell down in the middle of the cafeteria and you had somehow forgotten to wear underwear that day. And because no one remembers that, maybe this year you'll be the coolest kid in school. Except they will remember, and you won't be any cooler. Damn it. Okay, try again with October. Halloween is fun. It's a chance to showcase your awesome creativity and ingenuity with your super sweet costume idea. Except once again, you leave it to the last minute and end up drunk, wearing a spray painted cardboard box. Crap. November doesn't really have that much to offer pathetic kids, but for me it's a month associated with some pretty good memories. So I typically spend the entire 30 days in a vain effort to recreate those feelings. But by the end of the month, I'm just burned out from nostalgia and not really feeling any better about myself or my life. Shit.

And on we go to December, the biggest disappointment of all. I think I'm still waiting for a Christmas miracle. I refuse to relinquish my silly hope that somehow everyone gets one at some point in their lives. Don't get me wrong, I love the holiday season on its own merit, and the joy I derive from it is not lessened any by not having a lightning strike moment. I love the decorations, the food, the annoying music...all of it. But some part of me always hopes that I'll wake up on Christmas morning suddenly impervious to the problems in my past and my present, with a joyful family, a self cleaning house and a magical bank account that always has a positive balance. And of course, it hasn't happened yet. So I make New Year's resolutions, hoping that somehow the magic of the Gregorian calendar will give me the strength of character and unending resources necessary to actually keep them. Surprise, surprise-I resolved to get my finances in order the last four years running, and I still throw my bank statements in a drawer without opening them because they make me so damn sad. So that brings us to the end of my holiday season-crushing disillusionment and a growing hatred of both Santa and God, because once again neither of those white-bearded bastards came through for me.

I realize that all of this makes me sound like some weak willed, simpering moron with no self-esteem or real drive to take care of herself. And in some ways maybe I am. But when I really look hard at myself I know that I'm not. I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I look, and most of the time I know I'm capable of being one of those vibrant, effortlessly confident women who always seem to have it all together. I can take care of myself, and I have for the better part of nine years now. Not only that, I'm a SUPAMOM and I have, like, an automatic +6 to all my charisma rolls. BOO-YAH. But most of the time I really still feel like the awkward kid I always was, getting kicked around by the whole world and not knowing how to fix it. There's always that little voice in my head telling me that I'm socially inept and that my looks are mediocre at best. The only thing I have going for me, says Mean Inside Voice, is my brain, and I'm even wasting that. Really, the nasty bitch in my head chastises me, what have I done with that storehouse of genius I could have had? I'm 23 years old and still Planning to Maybe Someday Go to University, maybe even Considering Making Something of Myself. But a fat lot of good that does anyone now, right?

I don't know, maybe I'm just tired of it being so fucking hard all the time. I hate constantly feeling like I'm on a treadmill, and I hate doing it alone. I know I'll get past this feeling-I always do. And I know I'll somehow make my life work. But that somehow doesn't make me feel any better right now. So if anyone talks to Santa or God this year, could you ask them to throw me a fucking bone?

Sunday, November 18, 2007

The Happy List

Okay, first the update portion of our program. Some of you know that I've struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life. I've had it under fairly good control the last few years, but there have been times in my past where it became a hugely disruptive force. Recently I hit another one of those patches-the moment that clued me in was having a complete breakdown at work. I'm talking hysterical sobbing, shaking, inability to physically function...not a pretty picture. So I finally caved into my doctor's recurrent suggestions that maybe a bit of chemical help wouldn't be the worst thing for me. I fought that idea for a long time-I felt that if I needed medication to be functional it meant that I had failed as a person somehow, that I wasn't strong enough to handle my problems. But I finally decided that was bullshit. I've "handled" enough. I've been an unshakable island through shit that would destroy most people. I'm allowed a bit of "weakness." So, I'm on meds now. I thought about keeping it a big secret, but decided that anyone who is going to think less of me because of this issue is pretty much a piece of shit and not worth my time. It's amazing what a difference this has made for me. It's been a few weeks now, and at the risk of sounding horribly cliched, it's like a fog has been lifted. The clarity and control that has been restored to my life is something I'm thankful for every day.

On a somewhat related note, I'm trying to be more positive. Not that I'm a huge proponent of the attitude that you should be happy all the time-that actually really pisses me off. If you're not happy, you're not happy. That's okay. But I also didn't enjoy the constant state of misery I was in for the last little while, so now that I'm over it I'm reveling in joy. Yay, joy. So I'm going to periodically post a list of what's making me smile that day, or of things I particularly love. And for November 18, 2007, the list is:

  • Warm socks out of the dryer
  • Kisses
  • The Riders kicking some BC ass
  • Egg nog
  • Making plans that I honestly believe I'll keep
  • Chris' T-shirts
  • Long naps
  • Snow
  • Smelling pretty
  • Feeling secure
  • Nearly 24 hours without a crazy outburst (don't laugh, it's progress)

Yep, all in all I'm loving the happy. It's fantastic to actually feel like a person again. There's nothing worse than feeling completely powerless over the bad stuff in your life and your own reactions to it. For the longest time I felt like I was watching myself through a big sheet of plexiglass or something. I could see the shit unfolding, I knew I was handling it really badly, but there was nothing I could actually do to change it. I suddenly feel in control again (at least most of the time) and I love it.

I'd love to set a new goal for myself now that I'm starting to feel like real people, but I know it's too soon. I can't overwhelm myself while I'm still adjusting. So I'm going to see how I handle the holidays. Hopefully in January I'll be ready to start on something bigger. Right now just getting everything under control has been fanfuckingtastic.