Saturday, January 10, 2009

Scared

Some of you may remember about a year ago when I had some serious health problems-fainting spells and random bouts with hives, anaphylaxis and other awesome stuff. No one could tell me what the problem was. The allergist's work was inconclusive and none of the trouble seemed to be related to my blood sugar. The CAT scan, however, showed..."something." That's all they would tell me. Something abnormal, but not urgently so. They said, "we'll book you in for an MRI."

Well, that MRI is coming up on Monday night. (Seriously, don't you LOVE Saskatchewan wait times?) I haven't fainted in a long time, but I still have random dizzy spells. Sometimes I have to sit in a specific position so the room stops spinning.

Honestly, I'm scared shitless. Especially since I have no idea just what was abnormal about my CAT scan. Something going wrong with my brain is (and has been for just about as long as I can remember) one of my worst fears. Aneurysms, tumors, damage due to trauma...I've got a whole list of things that could go horribly wrong, and I (somewhat compulsively) go over it in my head at times. Especially with recent hype about the potential long-term consequences of multiple concussions...as a survivor of some pretty heinous abuse which resulted in more concussions than I care to remember, and as a garden-variety megaklutz who falls down stairs and bangs her head on things fairly regularly, I'm terrified that there's some sort of trauma-induced time bomb in my head. What if the concussion from that last fainting spell was the trigger for something horrible? What if I'm one "stand up into the kitchen counter" accident away from being the next Chris Benoit?

I know I'm probably overreacting. I do that a lot. But seriously, I'm fucking scared. It's probably a good sign that I sat on that wait list for a year-it means that whatever was on the CAT scan wasn't an immediate danger. But what if it wasn't then, but has grown or gotten worse over the time I was waiting? What if it's an emergency now? I just want Monday night to be over with so I can get some sleep.

1 comment:

Heather Renee said...

I completely understand why you're scared, but hopefully in the time that has passed, if the symptoms haven't gotten worse, whatever is going on hasn't worsened, either. You know? I still would be shitting bricks. I'm a classic worrier. Let us know...
You're in my prayers, hon.