Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Terrible Things I Think About (TW for Everything Being Terrible)

If I could go back in time, would it be good or bad for me to tell Younger Me how I turn out?

13-year-old Me- "I'm totally gonna be a famous singer. Or maybe a writer. Or a psychologist. Anyway, I'm gonna do something AWESOME with my life because my scary family is really scary and treats me like crap, and I'm SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT, and then I'm gonna start a charity or something where I help girls who get raped by their mom's boyfriends and beaten up by their mom, because that happened to me but I'm gonna rise above it and be a shining example of awesome for the whole world!!!!" Wears ridiculous outfits and too much burgundy lipstick ALL THE TIME because there is nothing cooler than burgundy lipstick, because it is 1997. Awkward and full of body image issues, self-harm and suicidal thoughts, but pretty sure that there is something fantastic on the other side of all this horrible, because there HAS TO BE or it wouldn't be worth it.

26-year-old Me- Constantly terrified of human contact/the outside world. Usually wearing a coffee-stained tank top and granny panties, wrapped up in a blanket. Frequently sits in the bathtub with the shower running and the radio turned up, attempting to hide the sound of hysterical sobbing induced by everything being terrible. Has a ten year old son who wants nothing to do with his insane mother and would rather live in his grandparents' basement with his father, who he doesn't know is basically a horrible human being. Has accomplished nothing and is in fact barely recognisable as an adult human.

Yeah...the inside of my head is a terrifying place.

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